Relationships: Finding & Keeping your soulmate

The other day, Purva and I were in CP to visit The Embassy Restaurant for a food review when an intriguing conversation that came up. It’s common to see young couples hanging around this popular spot in Delhi. It is also not uncommon to see potential ‘arranged’ alliances; you can tell by the ‘awkward’ body language!

And that got us talking about the subject of finding your soulmate.

With so many of our friends getting married or trying desperately it was only natural that we got talking on the subject. As our discussion continued, so many hidden aspects of the situation came in existence. It’s so simple to state that one seeks one’s soulmate but once you go into the details it proves to be quite a precarious situation.

We thought why not discuss the various scenarios and try and present them for our readers to enjoy and ponder over.

But before saying anything else or rather writing, I just want to say it out loud that this is just a general discussion between a husband and a wife and what works in our marriage. So don’t feel offended rather try and understand how we think in general.

Naturally my first take was on the general shift in the man’s psychology — how it has evolved and what all it has had to go through in order to achieve that evolution.

All our lives we have seen our fathers acting as the provider. Even when our moms were working, perhaps their pay grade always played a second fiddle to our father’s income. This simple fact has structured us to believe that we, as men, are supposed to be the providers of the tribe.

And with this role in our mind we have assumed a lot of pressure for and expectation from ourselves. But along with this we have also assumed certain privileges. Avoiding the kitchen, not spending enough quality with the wife and children, not spending enough quality time at home and so on.

But does this dynamic work in today’s world? A world where the economics has changed dramatically. Where women are earning as much and in several cases more than men. Where women are sharing every manly responsibility possible to the fullest. When a woman comes home at eight in the evening, is it still correct to expect her to work in the kitchen? Or is it perhaps better to have the dinner ready?

There are several instances around me where the couple is performing these responsibilities in unison and boys are they leading a wonderful life.

When I speak with my brothers on the phone, I often tell them what is essential to a beautiful relationship where there isn’t any scope for jealousy or stupidity. I state facts which they find unbelievable. There are times when I get mocked for the simplest of gestures such as making a cup of coffee for my wife.  But this is where one needs to understand the evolution- rather than fighting it, accept it.

Some simple facts that perhaps are worth pondering over:

1- Women have ambition too: Career oriented women work hard for creating a space for themselves in the industry. In a male dominated society where she nails and claws her way up the corporate ladder, she could use your support.

2- House wives have the biggest job: How often has a house wife heard that she does nothing worthy? If you, as a man have said this or anything similar, try running the house for an entire week. I am sure you will change your opinion rather surprisingly.

3- Kitchen is where the heart is: Don’t avoid the kitchen. Make it your play-ground. Experiment with different cuisines. Have your tea together in the kitchen. If cooking doesn’t interest you, then just be there with your wife. Have a conversation with her. The idea is to show her that you care.

4- Leave your designation at the door: when you’re at home together it’s good to talk about what’s bothering you at work, but in limited measure. Instead try to spend quality time with each other. Being jealous with your partner over money or career success is a strict no-no.

5- Two wheels of a bike: you’re both essential to your relationship. Strictly avoid thoughts of dominating your partner. The minute you start thinking on those lines your losing the game called happy life.

This is the first post in the series of articles about relationships. There are more such articles to follow. Do write about what you feel works from a man’s perspective and also what you feel about this article too.

Have a wonderful life!

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